An Envie

Emily M. Goldsmith

I want to love my fat
take it to dinner and drinks
maybe a late-night movie
with popcorn

there’s more of my body now
more for me to learn to love
I have countless memories
of my mother telling me
don’t eat that
of her downing
ideal protein shakes
or fasting
of her looking in any mirror
and aweing
that someone could be so big
as she stood fit, slim
and never satisfied

I enjoy eating more than
almost anything else

when I buy
my first plus size garments
I don’t feel sad
I feel like my clothes fit

in Cajun cooking
we cook up ‘the trinity’ first
onion, bell pepper, and celery
sizzling in a generous pour of oil
—the only trinity I believe in

this year on Beltane
I take up every counter in my kitchen
roasting cabbage in the oven
portobellos shimmying in the cast iron
gravy bubbling in the saucepan
oatmeal cookie dough setting in the fridge
and bread rising on the butcher’s block

I spend extra time in preparing
each dish

when it comes time to eat,
I relish it all
and lean back
long gone are the days
I run extra miles
to earn my food
or decline dessert

I grab my stomach
with both hands
and whisper
thanks for holding me together